The Caladonian Times!

[Jongluer]

I start this thread for the simple reason of reminding you all of the fact that there is a lot going on in the world besides your own adventures, the first column will be posted later on today (11/20/04) and will probably appear whenever the fuck I feel like, but at least every saturday at some point....

[Jongluer]

FREEDOM FIGHTERS STRIKE THE MAGISTRATE'S MANOR!!

Two nights ago, Magistrate of Caladon, General Karkof's manor was attacked by a Caladonian Resistance cell. Around midnight, the group blasted their way through the front gate with illegal magical wands, and then continued their path of destruction through the front grounds.
The Freedom Fighters slaughtered the house servants in their sleep and killed then mutilated the guards protecting the manor (the guard's heads were removed form the fence posts yesterday). Upon finding the Magistrate, they castrated the General, and ransacked his personal coffers, claiming they will go to the Caladonian People. The actions of these extremists has surprised many citizens, considering that Scuro has yet to change anything but a few Caladonian laws or customs, there is no reason for their removal from rule.
Still there are those that support what the resistance does. Veron Mortan, a former adventurer, wealthy merchant and patriot, claims, "The Scurons have been slowly stripping Caladon of it's beauty since they arrived. No longer does one see our guards sporting shining armor, but dark disgusting uniforms that make them seem more criminals than they catch. Also, the bias of the Scurons has interfered with the workings of the city more than once, very few realize how hard it is to get a liscence for creating and using psionic equipment now as opposed to two years ago, or how much harder it is for Half-Orcs and Goblinoids to find work. If you ask me, the social state of Caladon has steadily decreased over the past two years, and the repairs on the city's defense have yet to be completed!"
Guards are now looking for anyone with ties to or information on the Caladonian Resistance, anyone with information should inform their local Caladonian Guard Forces Station immediately.

[Jongluer]

CULTISTS CAPTURED!

Over the past few weeks, a group of Hextor Cultists have been kidnapping people, bullying local officials, and attacking places dedicated to the worship of Heironeous and Bahamut. These lunatics were trying to bring Caladon under their rule, of course this mainly failed. The group's base in an old warehouse along the docks was ransacked by a group of adventurers yesterday. The adventurers said they had been following the Cleric who was leading the group over the past few months, since he had been stirring up trouble all throughout the Northern Territories.
When the local guard arrived on the scene, the adventurers and cleric were embroiled in battle, the Adventurers who call themselves The Fire Hawks defeated the cleric through use of massive evocation spells thrown forth by their warmage (who had trained at a Caladonian Military Facility before Scuro took control of the city), and the mighty blade of their Paladin of Heironeous. As the guards and adventurers circled through the nearly destroyed cult headquarters they found multiple weapons, pieces of armor, and battle plans that point out that the cult was preparing a major assualt against the city. Luckily thanks to The Fire Hawks the city is safe for another day.

[Jongluer]

WORLD FIGHTING COMPETITION RETURNS!

In a few days, the World Fighting Competition will be returning to the city of Caladon. The city being in one of it's lowest crime rates over the past few years, people worry that terrorists will use the competition as a way to attack the public but the Caladonian Guard Forces has already posted a full 6 phalanxes to the stadium along with 3 more phalanxes for street patrol, and one phalanx ready to be pulled in the area within moments, all of which will be under control of the Supreme Commander of the Caladonian Guard Forces. On a side note, the Black Countess and her three husbunds will be attending the competition this year.

The rules have not changed from last year and are as follows:

-All competitors are welcome.
-Anything a competitor can do is allowed within the ring.
-No blatant murder of spectators.
-No use of the spectators to shield oneself, in such a situation, spectator death is allowed.
-Every competitor has a day in between bouts to rest.

The competition itself follows the same system as every year:
A competitor must go through three determining bouts where they are judged on whether or not they can make it through the competition or not.
A competitor must then go through a preliminary bout and then a semi-final bout if they win their preliminary, the two surviving competitors after the preliminaries and the semi-final face off in a final bout.

Currently, the former champion, Kell Jorash a Paladin of Kord, from last year has already registered for the competition, no other major competitors have registered as of yet.

[Jongluer]

ATTACK AT NIGHT CLUB!

Last night a wild druid attacked a young lady at the famous Dance Phloor night club. Witnesses say the druid attempted to persuade the young lady to leave the club with him, uninterested the owmen said something and then walked off. In a fit of rage the druid set his bear upon the women, the bear began mauling her as she screamed out for assistance. A guard patrol quickly came to the answer of the call and pried the bear off the women and captured the druid. The women got immediate assistance from a cleric and bard who were in the vicinity.
The druid and his bear were brought to the jail by the guards and a group of adventurers. The patrol leader had this to say about the druid, "People like that really sicken me, just becuase he couldn't get a date he lashed out at the women. Sadly a man who can't control his anger or his pet must have it beaten out of him, instead of just executing them." The druid's public flogging is to take place before the preliminary matches of the World Fighting Competition.

[Jongluer]

It's saturday again so time for another issue of our favorite cosmopolitan newspaper: The Caladonian Times (man that intro was corny...not as if anyone but Brian reads this anyway)

GNOMISH CIVIL WAR REACHES NEW HEIGHTS!

Just yesterday, the southern Gnomes of Namfoodle made a break through across the river of Frontline. As most of the world knows, the Gnomes have been at a stalemate in this area for awhile, but now the southern Gnomes have finally broken through, at least in a one mile area. Using airships and artillery, the Namfoodle Gnomes pushed through the area and were able to secure the trenches about ten miles deep into the country of Diggery Doo.
The Namfoodle Parliament claims that they shall use their newly aquired "bulge" to sway the leaders of Diggery Doo into coming to a peaceful surrender. Most people are skeptic, since both sides have been in constant war for years it would be too hard for them to adjust, and the peace would be temporary at best.
If anyone has any views on the situation write a letter to us here at The Caladonian Times.

(A/N this article appears with a lovely little drawn picture of a Namfoodle Soldier standing along the banks of the Frontline river, caption reads: 1rst Sergent Fry Detloof stands proud awaiting orders to withdraw and prepare for the trip.)

[Jongluer]

LOOSE CHIMERA!

Recently an independent Transmuter (types of mages who are powerful in the bonding, augmentation, and dehabilitation of objects and beings) was found dead from beak, burn, and claw marks along his body. After this the discovering guards were attacked by a beast which was identified as a Chimera. The Transmuter was identified as an elf named, Daron Lithuane, the man has been said to have offended the Mage's Guild on many occasions. Though many would use this to suggest foul play it is obvious from the man's notes that the Chimera is his. The guards unable to subdue the Chimera were forced to let it escape and are now calling out to all capable to kill the Chimera (descriptions can be obtained at guard posts).
When asked about the transmuter, the Mage's Guild had this to say, "Independent Mages have as this once more proved how dangerous they are to the public. In one of our Guild houses this situation would've been easily diverted once it was seen the mage in question wouldn't be able to handle a chimera he'd be restricted from such work until a positive assesment. Yet, in the case of independents they are allowed to do as they wish never being restricted beyond a few easily obtainable permits, they are a danger to the public, and we once more ask all governments to allow The Mage's Guild to run the mages of the world."

[Jongluer]

WORLD TRAVELLING EXPEDITION TO LEAVE DOPPLER TOMMOROW!!

Well-known Gnome Adventurer Billius Lontero` has chartered an expedition to explore the world in search of new lands, the expedition is being funded by an the nations, Scuro, and Namfoodle along with Lontero`'s personal treasure.
The team consists of 300 strong travellers, searching for adventure, knowledge, treasure, and above all acclaim. The leader is of course Billius himself, and some of the other group leaders are also well known adventurers or celebreties, Prince Varan of Vandalia is part of the trip though his nation refuses to help fund for such a venture, Bishop Jarian of the Church of Pelor has agreed to lead a team of Clerics (all of whom pray to gods of The Pantheon) into the unknown as spiritual advisors and of course healers, Darius d'Nero of the Scuron nobility has signed on the trip and leads a small contingent of Scuron soldiers, finally the group's diplomatic and scholary expert is the well known Professor Moria Zeleb of the University of Caladon.
The team will be travelling in a newly developed airship, which was constructed at a Caladonian Engineering Facility, the Airship dubbed The Zanzibar is the second of it's kind, the first of course being kept in Caladon so as it can be re-tested and newer models can be created. The Zanzibar is smaller than an average airship but faster, sadly it doesn't support the large amounts of holding space or weaponry that most Steam-Powered airships do.
The Zanzibar Team (as the expedition has named itself) has finally decided that they shall be flying South and slightly East if this does not work then they will land in Caladon and begin a search directly East of the Eastern Coast, and if still their search is fruitless, they will land in Doppler and head West out over the Barrier Desert in hopes of going beyond it. When they do find something, half the team will be left at the site and The Zanzibar shall return to Doppler immediately to report its findings.

[Jongluer]

Wow...I've been fairly consistent with posting these on saturday, that surprises me...

DARNISH NOBLE FOUND DEAD IN HOME!

Just yesterday, a female merchant based in Riverbend was brutally killed. She was found dead by her servants, who reported that the window was completely shattered and she lay dead in her bed.
Her chest cavity was completely ripped open and her heart was removed, the removal was clean and precise though the amount of blood spilled was almost ridiculous, though it does conform with what would happen if a person's heart was removed and the viens and arteries continued to pump for a moment.
This murder is very similar to the murder of the noble Veron Mortan who was found with his heart ripped out in his basement, though in this case multiple dead bodies were found along with him. Unlike Veron Mortan, this woman was not a former adventurer so there is no way of finding a motive if it is the same killer, which if it weren't for the complexity of killing someone by ripping out their heart would be hard to believe...

[Beeb]

Must've been Grippo since he harvested the hearts of everything we killed yesterday.

[Jongluer]

ZANZIBAR TEAM RETURNS!

The Zanzibar team which left a few weeks ago in search of new lands, has returned with promising results. They had travelled on course for a week when they spotted craggy mountain tops in the distance, they arrived at a tall range in a few hours, they travelled along the coast which from what they could tell was unable to allow the passage of anything besides airships, since it appeared as if reefs jutted out over the waterline. They quickly came to an opening within the mountains, large natural spires stuck up making the flight ot the inside of the new continent dangerous and risky, but eventually they found an area perfect for touchdown. When they arrived they made multiple discoveries, the closeby mountains were untouched and from a few preliminary pickings contain a large amount of minerals, and large amounts of untouched wilderness are filled with forests, animals, and fertile land.
While there the team did not encounter any natives and believe that for the most part, the continent is uninhabited. In the meantime, both Scuro and Namfoodle have laid claims and have begun preparations for colonization, sadly they won't be able to get anything more than a secondary team to the continent for a few more weeks, and true colonization won't start for over a year, but still this is a milestone in world history, there is now a frontier to look at. This new land holds natural riches beyond most modern people's dreams, for now the countries are looking for explorers to go forth and plot out more of this land. Who will heed the call?

[Avi]

Hmmmmmmnnnnnnn

[TheBigCheese]

Its just struck me that Zanzibar is the name of the highly popular multiplayer map in Halo 2.....Its gotta be origional man. Like Shmoogle...theres a name u dont hear everyday....Shmoogle...hehe

[Jongluer]

Actually, the post was written before I played the Zanzibar stage of Halo, and Zanzibar is also the name of a country, so really, the name is taken because it is funny sounding and the leader of the expedition is a gnome. Also, it is Snoofgal not ur butchering of it...

Side note, Zanzibar pronounced in Gnomish with a Namfoodle accent, and a Caladonian clip is very interesting to hear...kind of like English with a Southern Drawl while speaking in a Northern Voltarian Accent (not that any of you know what Voltar is...)

Also, this is a plea here, please everyone stop using these boards to prove how little Americans know of Geography...(I'm looking at you Jess, and you Brian)

[TheBigCheese]

I just wanted an excuse to say shmoogle....